Bird Without a Song

Alrighty.

>>blows dust off the frontpage<<

So ok, I am going to try to make up for lost posting time by simply just rambling on about things that pop into my mind, partly because I (selfconciously) think I'm burdening my associates with my nonsensical opinions, partly because I don't know how to express these thoughts in person without sounding like a jackass, and partly because so much has happened that my perspective very might well be going into "panic mode." I don't know what's in store, but I'm inevitably bound to bare my soul at some point, leaving myself vulnerable and exposed to anyone who might read this.

I'm sure you've noticed how a large portion of my posts are simply the lyrics to a song you probably never heard of, usually posted with a picture. 10% of that is because I'm too tired to actually type anything... but the other 90% is because sometimes songs can say things that I could never. Either the lyrics say it better than I could ever imagine, or, I'm too chicken shite to lay claim to those words myself. So if/when I post song lyrics it means that song has a direct connection with what I am experiencing, mentally, emotionally or even physically. The images are all from artists at Deviant Art and portray something I associate with the song. Nothing like a little visual and psychological stimulation here and there. The irony is, that you don't get the pleasure of hearing the actual music, which often evokes more meaning than the lyrics.

I love my new place. Its mine. My territory. My safe haven. My thumbprint on this planet we call Earth. It is where I will define the standards of living for the rest of my life. How high will I set the bar? What will I discover about myself? I am now forced to get along with myself. In a weird way, I am learning all about my new roommate: me. For example, I have a morning routine. (!) I'll wake up an hour early, and turn on my floor heater, jump back in bed and wait until its safe to come out again. Grab my bathrobe, go to the kitchen and find my favorite red mug and make myself some cocoa. I dunno, just little things like that are interesting to me. Why?

I really should see a shrink or something, or get some psychoanalysis done. I don't have what I would consider "major issues," but then again, how would I know? Anyways, I bring this up because my whole life, I've felt like I have been living with two minds. I always attributed this feeling to the mere "good vs evil" battle we all fight within ourselves. But, I look back at my life, and its like watching two totally different people with the same skin. A part of me is this mild mannered, logical and somewhat honorable individual. Yet, another part of me... I guess I'm just worried that the latter is becoming more of a "problem." Example: I've never been more sure of myself, yet, I'm having difficulty establishing my identity? Confused yet? Believe me, I am. Nosce te ipsum. Know thyself. Do I?

Relationships change. We all know that. No matter how good it gets, its not going to stay that way forever. And even if it stays good, you feel different about each other as time goes on. We can tell ourself over and over that we're ok with that, but we still long for "the good ol days" and taunt ourselves with "remember when." I'm mainly speaking about relationships in Friends/Family terms, because I don't think I've had what is a considered a "normal" relationship with a member of the opposite sex. (Basically, I've never been 1/2 of a "couple," but I might go into that more later...) Its been my understanding from a very early age, that no matter what foundation you have with an individual, circumstances and experiences expose layer by layer aspects of our personality that we shelter (knowingly or subconciously) from each person, which affects how that person views us, or, how we view that person. We can't help it. We get to the point where we think we know who that person really is, and then all of the sudden we realize... we don't. Now don't get me wrong, because this isn't always a bad thing. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, many good things can happen because of change. (Remember, I'm just going off about realizations and letting my fingers type whatever they want.)

Honestly, the thing that brings me 100% ultimate happiness, is making other people feel good. And when I re-read that sentence, it sounds blatantly superficial and vain. But it's true - there is more happiness in giving. Now, I'm not one of those "people pleasers" that has to make EVERYONE happy ALL OF THE TIME. Nooooo. Not me. But if I feel a connection with someone, I will do everything I can to give them something positive. Helping someone forget their troubles or worries, even if only for a brief few moments, is the greatest accomplishment in my opinion. (I know I certainly appreciate it when someone does that for me.) I'm not claiming to be a godsend for humankind, (because lord knows I can be a pain in the behind,) but I'm merely stating the source of my true happiness. Basically, just seeing other people enjoy themselves. (If I have anything to do with it, I just consider that a bonus.)

I'm also at a point in my life where I see things that I want to do or accomplish, but can't. Or is it won't? I'm a strong believer in that everyone should have their creative outlet - not just making something, an object, but also by making the moment yours in a creative way. We are specially designed with the ability to express ourselves creatively, and we benefit so much from it. So, I have to figure out a way to unclog this frustration. I used to freewrite a lot, and I've tried doing it again recently, (with satisfactory results,) but part of the joy of being creative is sharing it with other people, and I can't really share my deepest darkest feelings with everybody. I also had a pretty awesome program which I used to create my own music, (think Massive Attack meets Moby...) but when my computer crashed, many many weeks of pleasurable labor went down the drain. I cried.


On that note (haha, pun) I must bid adieu'. I have massive amounts of studying to accomplish, and its already 1am. (yikes!) Red Bull, here I come.


To Be Continued...